Especially when you work nights, which used to be your running time. And half of your scheduled runs are in the part of summer when you travel, and the other half are somewhere in the chaos of three different school schedules starting for the three other people you live with, plus all the extra appointments and meetings required to get the two students of the house all ready to go. And your brother gets married. And your husband moves out.
So my hopes weren't high Saturday morning as we pulled onto Wright Patterson Air Force Base at the literal crack of dawn with my venti Pumpkin Spice Latte nervously clutched to my chest, that this half marathon would be anything I'd be proud of.
And I should have been, because I wasn't running it for me. I was running it for Dayton Children's Hospital, in Kiedis' name, thanks to all of your generous support.
You all raised $760 dollars, you know that? That's TRIPLE what I needed to be able to run.
I cried like a baby, I'm not even going to lie.
So I knew I would give it my best shot, despite never getting over eight miles in training and missing most of my long runs. Despite the fact that both my sports bras and my shoes were shot and neither were giving me the support I so desperately need. And despite the fact that emotionally I felt so drained by everything that it truly was a miracle that I could put one foot in front of the other without falling flat on my face and staying there.
My hope was to finish in three hours, which would have been a great deal over my time from last year.
And this course -- only one person tried to tell me about this course. That it was uphill the whole way, not just at the giant hill at the beginning that is a near mirror of the hill I live on and run each and every time I walk out my front door to run (I laughed out loud through mile one and two while people around me acted like that hill was Mt. Everest. Because that's my every run, y'all) but that the whole thing was on this slight incline and it so rarely recovered back down.
My ass is still on fire. STILL.
But running through the base I've lived around all but two years of my life, that was something. To see the security forces soldiers that lined the course in their full uniforms, directing runners cheer us on -- that was my brother, in Texas and in Italy, while my children were being born. Along the officer's quarters, the families that came out and played music from their running cars in their driveways, with the small children nervously holding out their hands for high-fives -- I slowed for each and every one of them, making gentle contact and signing thank you to their families, not just for being there that morning, but for making the choices they have with their lives that means I have the rights I do.
And to the one dude, who had a garden mister rigged up to his outside hose and some PVC contraption to made a run-through mister station? BLESS YOU, SIR. BLESS YOU.
I ran on the streets that I've always driven since I've known how to drive -- the roads I take now to get from my kids' school to my hometown in a heartbeat. I ran along the back of my college campus, high-fiving my alma mater's mascot while I was cheered on by students bearing their school pride for the place I grew up visiting my mother at work, then later attended.
I smiled a lot. I gave thumbs up to a pregnant woman running alongside me for a while, and to another whose shirt read across the back "If you're running behind me, then you didn't train either." I choked up at the maybe 12 year old boy who had a tag safety-pinned to the back of his shirt that he was running for his aunt who was watching him from heaven and for the elderly gentleman who shuffled along, a similar tag on his back dedicating his run to his now-disabled Marine, at home.
I had thought about making a shirt with Kiedis' picture for this same purpose, but I had an official shirt to wear for Children's. I should have made a tag thing. Next time.
There were soldiers from every branch, runners supporting Wounded Warriors and the USO and other countless military and veteran's organizations. And, despite my politics, growing up in this town I have a somber respect for the people who make the choice to defend our country. You don't live in an area like this without feeling the stinging loss of those who don't return from their orders -- whether it's a classmate's parent when you're young to your actual classmates and friends as you grown into adulthood -- Dayton is a military community, and we all know that this life comes with sacrifice both great and small.
And I thought about them as I ran ... and then walked a while, and then ran again. There was more walking than I'd like to admit, but it gave me time to let it all sink in, this run and the people that came together to support me in doing it, the differences made in my life and that of my childrens' because of this hospital and this community and having called the Miami Valley home for the last 28 years.
And, I even managed to see a college friend celebrate her 30th birthday by running her first half marathon, on her actual birthday. I briefly caught up with her early on, but I don't know when she finished. We've been friends for about ten years now and to see how far we're both come in that time, well, it meant the world to me to be able to see her while she tamed this beast.
Other than that, I didn't see anyone I knew until I was yards away from the finish line, and there were my children with their father, yelling and cheering.
And, as I'd been planning on doing since about mile nine, I ran to them, reached over the railing, and pulled Kiedis onto the course to finish the race with me.
Because without him, none of this would matter.
He laughed and cheered and grinned, holding my hand the whole way. And I sobbed, because there is nothing that is impossible in this life. Babies with broken backs will learn to run. Women with broken hearts will heal and stand on their own two feet. Soldiers will come home and have lives and broken families will reunite and everyone will have new appreciation for the simple things, like the ability to run races.
And, in this case, one under-trained runner will finish a race at exactly 2:44:59 with a pace of 12:34, three seconds faster per mile than last year (on average), and she will let her son take the medal from the soldiers waiting at the finish line, because this race was his in the first place.
But she'll steal it back later, for a feminist selfie, of course.
I will absolutely run another race. And maybe I'll even make it to the Princess Half one of these years, ready to take back and make mine new memories in missed opportunities.
Because nothing is impossible, when you put your heart in it, put one foot in front of the other, and refuse to give up.