Thirty is not at all what I expected it to be. From the outside, it looks like I have nearly all of the trappings of the exact life I'd dreamed for myself -- but obviously, even the tiniest peeks beyond the surface show that it's not at all what I had ever wanted. In some ways, I feel absolutely no different. I'm thirty. I'm lucky to have made it this far.
But in other ways, there's something so final about it. The closing of a book where all of the pages have been glued together so you can never really reread it, just try and remember the highlights. I will never be twenty-something again. Seeing as my twenties were my most formative years to date (in my personal opinion) it's hard to leave that behind, to just dismiss it.
I feel that with age a little bit of my wonder dissipates. Because now, now I'm just this thirty year old purple-haired mom of two and to me that rings a little less awesome, a little more desperate. I know I can't stop it and again, I'm lucky to have made it this far, but the fact remains that my relative youth is fading and in light of my life's events that is a commodity that is frightening to be losing.
That said, while thirty is nothing as I'd hoped it'd be, I still had a good time thanks to my friends and my kids and a little bit Kyle.
I have a friend who was born two days before me and on my actual birthday, we went out with another friend to celebrate as if we were turning 20. I stayed out waaaaaaay too late and I felt young and alive and also like a mermaid.
Sidebar: I bought that dress on clearance from a Pinterest pin and I've had it for months with no idea when I'd wear it. My friend and I both wore sequined dresses and I have no idea when again in my life this will be at all appropriate, but if you ever want to feel extremely self-conscious while also kind of amazing but also VERY SPARKLY I suggest you get a sequined dress.
Kyle and the kids made me a cake. He also brought home gourmet cupcakes and organized a small get together at the house to happen after I went and got my first mani/pedi since I was pregnant with Tova. I also got some killer shopping deals and it was nice to feel pampered, even if I had to facilitate it myself.
And then I spent Saturday night with my sister and some friends and we just talked and hung out and generally spent time with people I don't get to see enough. It may not have been the thirtieth birthday I imagined, but I was touched and felt loved nonetheless.
And now, as I will forever have to do, I have to switch gears completely and plan a birthday party for a certain little almost-five-year-old boy who has requested balloons, party hats, goody bags, friends, and cake for a superhero party both at his school on his actual birthday and at home on Saturday.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to wish me a happy birthday at any juncture in the last week or so. No matter what, it is amazing to know I have such great friends both near and far, and your kindness and compassion and love are what keep me going.
Now excuse me while I assemble some Avengers.