I struggle to say what I know, with eloquence.
I know the answer seems simple, that it appears to glare off of every facet of the situation. History repeats when it learns nothing from itself and that's why we're all here, having this conversation again.
The thing is, after the initial shock and rage and betrayal die down and you're able to really sit in the quiet and figure out how, exactly, you feel -- well, there's nothing simple about it.
So here are the things I know.
I know that this has nothing to do with me, not really. It is not a marker of my attractiveness or desirability or my worth as a partner or a mother or really just period.
I know that hurt people hurt people and usually it's those who are closest to them that bleed it out the most.
I know that there are only really two people involved in my marriage, therefore we are the only two people who can truly know what's best for us and the two little people this union has created.
I know that my children ferociously love their father and he loves them with equal ferocity, though he struggles with expressing it, as he does with all emotions.
I know that I am eternally grateful for the group of family and friends that make up my support network, and without them sanity would be impossible. They give me perspective and true empathy and the space I need both in my mind and my heart and true, genuine support for my choices because we all know from our own experiences that you're the only one who can live your life so therefore you're the only one who knows what's best for you.
I know that there is no rush, for anything.
I know that trust and faith are not mutually exclusive philosophies, nor are they mutually inclusive.
I know that I am okay.
I know that he will be, someday, too.
I know that I cannot save him, that that is something only he can do and only if he truly wants to.
I know that everyone is way more fucked up on the inside than they ever let on, or sometimes more than they even realize.
I know that it is nearly impossible to face your demons on your own and prevail.
I know that kindness and compassion are imperative when you're struggling, and that judgement and enablers will always fail you.
I know that you can't punish away maladaptive behaviour.
I know that love is a choice you make every day, both in its existence and in its definition.
And I know it's only the end if you let it be.