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Sunday, December 16, 2012

In Process.

I have so much to say that the words feel like they're falling out of my every pore before I can even dream of getting them through my fingertips to the screen.

(Remember when we used to say paper? It feels disingenuous to say that, though, as I type away, though putting it to paper sounds better than to screen but whatever. Honesty for the win!)

I want to talk about gun control. I want to talk about mental health of parents and children. I want to talk about the safety of our schools and our educators and our children. I want to talk about honesty and candor and vulnerability and public shaming.

And I want to talk about these kids, about remembering them and not letting this fall away like we have before.

It's going to take me time and probably several posts to get it all out, to stand up on these two feet I've just found in this battleground and to hold that place as a mother, a teacher's wife, a person with mental illness, a special needs parent, a sociologist, and an American citizen.

But, in all honesty, I took bait on Facebook and am having a conversation I have dreaded for pretty much as long as I can remember -- about gun control with my very conservative, gun-loving father. And in a little over a week I will be surrounded by my very conservative, gun-loving family who will probably have their conceal and carry weapons on them for some unknown everloving reason and I will again fight the urges to throw up and to not participate in family gatherings because it bothers me so much, to my core, to have my children around firearms that I would rather not go to spend time with this part of my genetic make up even though it is one of the few constants I have known in my life than have this conversation and stand up for myself and my children and what I do and do not want them to be around/subjected to/etc because I know how badly it would end, that I would be reduced to tears in the bathroom just like I was throughout most of my youth when I dared to speak against their beliefs but suddenly THIS CONVERSATION IS HAPPENING and it's draining me of my energy with every notification ding on my phone.

I have so much to say, on this, on many things, and I have no intention of not saying them because of the holidays or the potential of stepping on toes or what have you.

I'm just dealing with what will be a huge vulnerability hangover tomorrow (that book did stick with me more than I thought, to the point I think I might need to read it again) and the kids and Kyle have been sick all weekend and I'm just spent right now, beyond all spending I thought I was capable of.

But I will have things to say. And I really think you should hear them.