It's been a week and I know I should write, I should want to write.
That wall I fought for so many months is creeping up again, blocking my synapses and causing a backlog of words to pile up and put pressure at the seams, threatening to burst in a tidal wave of prose.
But yet I can't sit down and take the time to hear them out, weave the tale and share it, because the words piling up aren't mine, not really. They belong to other people's stories and while I am a passively active participant in those stories they are just that, from my perspective -- stories. They aren't my life, they aren't my choices, and therefore I hold back because, well, I know what it feels like to have your dirty laundry aired out by another, someone who doesn't see the forest for the trees.
So I start posts. And I stop them. Because even I am bored three sentences in. Even my attempts at rehashing the mundane feel forced and contrite and I hate that, that awful feeling that maybe I have nothing of worth to share, either, even though I know better.
I have to remind myself that you care. You come here to read because you care. Sure, there might be some voyeurs out there whose purposes in the space are more to watch and monitor to feel better about themselves from the outside, but dude, I have Facebook, I know what it's like to hate-stalk someone on the internet. It's not healthy, but I'm not saying I haven't done it.
Anyway. I thought I'd found my groove again and I was pretty stoked. I'm desperately working on holding onto that in the face of adversity and drama and just life, oh life. You are so lifey, Life. It'd be great if you could just chill out for a minute and let me catch my breath, okay?
In the meantime, I'd like to ask you to do a couple of things for me.
First, my 23 year old cousin was in a serious car accident this past weekend with her boyfriend. They hydroplaned going 80 MPH and hit a guardrail while on a weekend trip around Louisville (so they're a little far from home). They're lucky to be alive, but they are not without injury. She has a pin in her knee and is having surgery to insert one in her hip tomorrow. Her boyfriend had to be CareFlighted out and has already had several surgeries and it is looking like he may lose part, if not all, of his leg. Good vibes/thoughts/prayers for them would be excellent.
Second, I've been poorly running an IndieGoGo campaign because I feel guilty even asking anyone for anything, but I was on this high about my dreams becoming reality and fulfilling my potential so I thought people would want to help with that ... and so far a couple have, which is heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. So if you're interested in helping me create a space for myself to actually do this writing thing more consistently without juggling babies and cats in my lap and having to get up 3824738927 times because someone always needs something from me whenever I manage to sit down, then go here. Even the comparative cost of a Pumpkin Spice Latte would make a difference. There's 13 days left on the campaign, and to hit even a 1/6th of my original goal would be stellar in getting going in the right direction.
That's all I have for now.