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Friday, August 24, 2012

Forgive Me.

I wasn't completely honest with you on Monday.

I didn't have a post for you because Sunday night I had a panic attack. And typically, I try to write my posts the night before and schedule them because at 8:30 in the morning, I'm either wrangling small children while trying to finish my cup of coffee while it's still lukewarm or I'm in that twilight place of sleep where I know I should get up and I'm straining to hear if the kids are up in their rooms while my body refuses to acknowledge any request for movement that my brain makes.

So now you know.

This is a hard week. Every year, this is a very hard week for me. I've been having night terrors about being assaulted and about my kids drowning in my car, interrupting the maybe four hours a night I'm getting because I just can't wind down, knowing the eminent horrors that wait for me when I close my eyes.

I try to keep my days peaceful, to create a balance, but that's really hard to do when there's a war being waged against my sex and the overwhelming feeling of just despair and defeat because seriously, this is where we're at now, as a people? The weight of the knowledge that this will likely not ever change in my lifetime is soul-shattering and for the first time in my life, I truly do feel like a second class citizen simply due to my anatomy.

And yes, I take it personally. Because the personal is political.

Please spare me your dissent, if you have it. Unless you want to watch me have a complete and utter breakdown. I'll put it as kindly as I can -- there is nothing justifiable about the comments and the bills and the hate groups that are trivializing violence against women and legislating our bodies just because they can. Nothing.

And the knowledge that there are people I know and care about (and am related to) that support this line of thinking makes me physically sick.

Well, that on top of my gluten sensitivity becoming a full-blown eff you, well, I haven't been able to eat much. And we're only hosting a barbecue in a couple of days for Tova's birthday, no big.

Add to this maelstrom of the WORST COSMIC TIMING EVER as it pertains to my life, I'm delving into the paperwork to have my child declared disabled. Because that doesn't suck.

Oh, and I think my period's trying to start on it's wonky schedule, so yeah.

It's been a hard week, this weekend being the crux of it, partly because I have to be uber social, but partly because these dates are forever bittersweet, the anniversary of my daughter's birth and the anniversaries of far darker things competing tirelessly for my mental energy and attention.

I'm sorry I lied to you. While I did spend the day with my kids, we didn't do anything fun until Tuesday. Monday I just sat and tried to not let the world crush me completely.

I'll try to rally by Monday, but please be kind and patient with me.