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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Perspective From Amish Country.

Well, sorry to disappoint you, but Kyle won't be here today. He's cutting his guest posting short because he feels like he doesn't have much to talk about.

So you're stuck with me again.

I made it home from my trip just fine and was promptly greeted by some of the crankiest children I've ever known. Even today, I make one false move and they start throwing these dramatic fits like the world is ending because their sippy cup is empty and I had THE GALL to pick it up off of the floor to go rinse it out.

It has been an early naptime day all day.

Anyway, I found out Friday afternoon that a post I had written for Offbeat Mama shortly after Kiedis' birthday was actually published. So if you managed to miss my subsequent fangirl squees and shameless self-promotion (still happening!) HERE is the link to the piece. And if you go through the comments, there is so much love and support there, it just makes my heart swell.

But anyway, this digital summit I went to was enlightening in a lot of ways, but mostly for me it's the first time I've been around other bloggers that aren't already my friends who manage to blog too. I had a lot of inadequacy issues to tackle, as well as getting my first glimpse into the business side of social media. I mean, we were treated as if we could wield amazing power over a target market, and inside my head I'm just thinking I'm just a mom I'm just a mom nobody cares what I think CHRIST I'M A STAY AT HOME MOM I AM SO OUT OF MY LEAGUE.

I also talked about my kids WAY. TOO. MUCH. But what else was I going to talk about? Our house drama that shows how inept we really are at this whole homeowning thing? My new infatuation with a risque form of exercise (more on that one later, BTW)? I really just don't do that much, and since I was there as Charles & Hudson and not as Tabulous or Turn Right, I didn't know a lot of the answers to questions about stats and unique pageviews and all of that. I barely know that about my own.

You guys, you'd never think this but I'm so painfully shy. I didn't even want to give out my "business" card because I thought they were lame, just me and my info, nothing official or branded or anything. Just a headshot and my about me page. I manned up the second day, but I was still blushing every time I handed one out. I've only been recently calling myself a writer in public and telling people that I work from home instead of stay at home, nevermind that staying at home is working, but that's another post. Mind you I don't get paid for much of what I do, but I still do it, to get better, to broaden my horizons, to stay sharp, to use the talent they labelled me "gifted" for as best I can, to help myself, my family, my friends, and all of you I've met through this portal into each other's lives.

You know, I'm going to be writing here (or somewhere) long after you guys are totally bored with me. As much as I'd love for these pieces of me to go somewhere, I'm completely intimidated by the process that would be required to even have a stab at it. Besides, when I was asked if my other blog was a "mommy blog" I cringed, because that seems to reduce it, me, to a throwaway niche of gratuitous baby photos and diaper giveaways and coupons and not much soul, not much meat to it, even though I know better because I read blogs by moms about being moms and I know we are all so much more than just "mommybloggers". I talk about so much here -- and some of it is A LOT for new people to handle knowing about me when I try to describe what I write about. I mean, off of the top of my head: marriage, mental health, Kiedis' health, the kids, money, infidelity, feminism, the pets, diabetes, writing ... I see this blog as sort of a memoir-in-process, the manifestation of Tabatha as I know myself to be in digital print for whomever is mildly interested. And it's scary to think that that's not enough, that my story as uncategorized as it is isn't enough.

That I'm not enough.

I don't know, it's been a lot to think about, the beginning of an unanticipated path, a glimpse of what being an "important" blogger is like, dealing with my emotions on selling out and such, all while I try to figure out the trajectory for these spaces I pour myself into.

I know I have to work harder to make it work. I'm building up to that. But that doesn't make it any less scary or intimidating or make me feel like I know what I'm doing any more than I did last week.

This makes me excited for BlogHer in a totally different way. I'm ready to learn, to change, to evolve into something more than just this. But change is scary and it can backfire, so it's all a gamble.

I just really want to place my bets right.