I don't really have words today.
I'm drained from a lot of things going on ... things like listening to the neighbors fight while their children scream, which wakes up my kids from their naps (or keeps them from napping in the first place); or the fact that Kiedis keeps yelling when he should be napping, keeping Tova from napping.
I'm tired because I stay up too late every night trying to catch up in some race that seems never ending. The blogs, the chores, the house, the kids, the marriage, the social commitments, the quiet I never seem to be able to find anymore -- I have all these plates spinning on sticks, taunting me with their wobbles and teeters.
My body hurts from my efforts to get healthy yet again, and aches from stress built up into the tissues of my back, forming knots that will spasm leaving me immobile regardless of my situation or location. My mind races in a dragging way -- because the racing never really stops, it's just whether or not the rest of me can keep up.
I'm not depressed or angry or melancholic, quite the opposite mainly, I'm just running out of hours in every day to do everything I think I should be able to do, that I see other people do.
Like as I typed that I realized I could be doing laundry right now, laundry I've been meaning to get to for three days now. But I did clean the bathroom yesterday, so there's that.
I constantly feel like I'm forgetting something, a date or an essential item or part of a meal or basic multiplication, things that used to come easily and quickly because my mind is one that rarely forgets, rarely lets down it's guard.
Well, maybe not about the multiplication. Only really when it pertained to sales, but now that's hazy and I end up using my phone more often than not in mathematical situations I really should be able to handle in my head.
Should, that word. It's a lot of the problem here.
I need to be able to let go of should and just be, embrace the now, know that I am doing the best that I can with what I have, not beat myself up for lacking this or that (which I may or may not lack in all actuality), to be okay with good enough.
I just hate feeling like I'm not trying hard enough, not doing my best, not excelling beyond expectations.
Damnit, school, see what you did to me? My whole educational career, labeling me as special and gifted and talented has just set me up for a lot of let downs in the real world.
That's not completely true, but it does suck to feel like everything comes easily to you for almost 20 years only to realize yeah, not really so much, because there's so much beyond what those classrooms extolled as virtues to pursue out there in the real world and somehow, still, you were wholly unprepared.
So I'm tired. I'm not retreating or hiding or giving up because honestly that's just not a viable option any longer, but I feel the need to admit that this shit of living a life is wearing me a wee thin, stealing my happy words and stories and replacing it with a slow and steady hum only placated by silence, simplicity, and fresh air.
And hot showers and hotter coffee.
So I struggle, constantly shift what needs to give in order to consider a day complete, and tweak and tinker with the processes and outcomes to find a better way to keep those plates spinning.
Because they will keep spinning as long as I'm breathing.